The World's Greatest Rejection Letters

You've probably met someone who wouldn't take 'no' for an answer when it came to dating. But what about those special cases when a stalker is really starting to creep you out? For example, a 26-year-old Medieval Club freshman who won't stop commenting on your Facebook pictures? An ex-boyfriend or girlfriend, who, recently converted to a Sadistic cult, wants you back desperately? Well, here at Plasmid, we have a solution for those special cases. Just ship him/her one of these letters and they'll be sure to get the message. Specific details may need to be adjusted to individual needs. These are loosely based on some personal stalker experiences:

(Tough as Nails: Indulge your Inner Chuck Norris) ____________: I'm gonna give it to you straight. The fact that you've been following me around for the last three weeks is creepy and weird. I was fine with the fourteen Arabic Facebook wall posts you wrote me proclaiming your enduring, undying love. I could deal with the daily crushed flowers you slipped under my kitchen door. However, your faked death and consequent marriage proposal in the middle of calculus class went overboard. Straight up, I will never date you. Stay away from me, my friends, and my apartment, or your jaw will encounter, Helga's (my roommate's) fists of steel. Watch your back, ___________.

(Plead Insanity!) Dear __________, I just wanted to tell you how much I love Twilight. I am obsessed with Twilight. And my new passion for Edward Cullen has rendered me completely inable to fall in love or like or to even date any other person. I think that I need to murder Eddie's girlfriend. No. I will murder his girlfriend. I will poison her. I don't care if she's fictional. I can do it with kidney fluids from a rabies-infected mountain goat. I hear that rabies is incurable. Thank you for your understanding, but you just aren't sparkly, pale, or monotone enough to catch my eye. Sincerely, the True Bella

(Build the Ego) Dear _________, I love your special powers…how your hair attracts small pieces of metal…and your toenails, too. Your extensive knowledge of ancient Elvish literature is almost as impressive as your small collection of 1940’s xylophone elevator music. I have seen your skills in speed walking and speed gift wrapping. That’s why this letter is so hard to write. I do not deserve you. You are too far above me in talent and skill. May the elvish nail-loving girl you betrothe...truly complete you. I am sorry to let you go.

So, there you go. Good luck with your, uh, special stalker!